Staying Single

All too often, I’m asked for advice about men.  But just like wine, massive consumption doesn’t make you a connoisseur – it just makes you a lush.  So instead, I thought I’d wrap up 2009 with a list of things my friends and I have proved will make men run in the opposite direction.  Consider it a personal guide to staying single in 2010, from me to you.  Happy Holidays.

Need a boyfriend
There is nothing sexier than desperation.  Think about when you go into a store at the mall.  It doesn’t matter if you’re browsing, looking for something specific, walking in with intent to purchase, or simply killing time.  If a salesperson approaches with an eagerness that suggests she works solely on commission and you’re the first customer to come in all day, it’s an instant turnoff and many times, a deal breaker.

You are now justifying to yourself – But I don’t need a boyfriend, I just want one.  If you spend more than an hour a day on match.com; if your friends, co-workers, and hairdresser know exactly how long you’ve been single and the sagas of the last three dates you went on; if you are a member of multiple online dating sites, are a part of an organized social outdoor activities club, and none of the TV remotes works because you’ve hijacked the batteries for your vibrator – you are sending the message that you need a boyfriend.

Text/call/e-mail him
Text him something cute two hours after exchanging numbers.  Don’t wait for him.  Time’s a wastin’.   Rob him of the thrilling experience of trying to woo you.  Emasculate him by eagerly suggesting plans rather than allowing him to ask for your company.  Make him overly confident, thereby encouraging his laziness, by always being the first to reach out.

Don’t take care of yourself.
Rock 3-inch roots.  Sleep an extra 10 minutes and throw your hair into a ponytail rather than style it.  Wear baggy clothes that don’t fit you perfectly because they’re comfortable and allow you to fool yourself into thinking you’ve been to the gym this month.  Your personality will grab him from across the room.

Take what you can get
Don’t be demanding.  Don’t be clear about what you want.  Don’t set any standards for yourself and what you expect from a man if he wishes to date you.  I mean, you might scare him off.  Instead, take whatever you can get.  I can almost guarantee he’ll give you just that.

Inspire the world around you
Putting up inspirational quotes on your Facebook page about attitude, opportunities, doors/windows opening/closing, paths, big pictures, or how you have the greatest friends and family sends the sexy message that you’re miserable and trying to talk yourself out of it.  But if you can fool yourself into believing your world is full of sunshine and rainbows, maybe you can fool him, too.

Take advice from those in the same boat
If you want what someone else has, do what they do.  This applies to all circumstances in life except dating.  When it comes to finding and keeping a man, it is best to consult your fellow single gals struggling with the same challenge.

Think that you are owed something.  And react accordingly
If he asked for your number, took you to dinner, or you chose to sleep with him, then he owes it to you to make you happy and act in accordance with how you wish him to.  Any deviation from these things simply makes him a complete asshole worthy of frequent public slander.

~ Amanda Pagliarini