365 Days of Sex

Married? Engaged? In a relationship? Chances are, you talk and think about sex more than you’re doing it. Has “CSI” replaced amour in the boudoir? Do you utter the words, ”I am soooo tired,” every night? Do you have a skincare routine that takes longer to complete than “War and Peace”? You might need to shake it up. Charlottean Charla Muller did just that when she gave her husband “the gift” of sex every night for a year for his 40th birthday. The result? A better marriage, and a book: “365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy,” which chronicles a year in the life of a couple who didn’t settle for evenings with the telly. Charla shares her insights.

SJ: Your book was written about the year of the gift — sex every night for a year — you gave to Brad when he turned 40. What made you want to write a book about your sex life?
CM: I did not go into the year even thinking this was going to turn into a book. I thought it could possibly turn into a funny magazine article, but nothing like this. I have a friend (co-author Betsy Thorpe) who had been in publishing in her former life and she thought this would be a great book concept, but the discussions didn’t even happen until after the year of “the gift” was over. I think the way the events unfolded was better than being something contrived, because what I wrote about really happened.

SJ: What made you want to offer up daily sex for a year? I think a lot of guys would be happy with a few more Lewinskys thrown their way and that would be the end of it.
CM: Brad and I had a great life and a happy family, but we had let intimacy fall off our to-do list. This was an honest attempt to reconnect and restart our marriage. It’s not a book about sex, per se; it is about intimacy and how that affects the relationship.

SJ: So no hot sex tips? No wild antics, potions or aphrodisiacs? Are you saying this ain’t the southern version of “The Kama Sutra”?
CM: Right! The book is less about the physical and more about the investment in a relationship. The book will be pretty boring if someone is looking for crazy stuff. It just shows one couple’s way of connecting in some way every day.

SJ: Does sex heal all wounds?
CM: This book is not for someone who is trying to fix a broken marriage and it is not for Beavis and Butt-head husbands who think their wives should just submit. But if you as a couple find yourselves leaving intimacy off the priority list, then you should try it. It will change your game.

SJ: What did you learn throughout your year?
CM: When I offered my husband, Brad, “The Gift,” I really thought he would be thrilled because I thought guys just always want sex, but that isn’t really the case. I was surprised to learn that sex is just as much about reconnection for men as it is for women. It was nice to know that, with all the people out there in the world, even on my worst day Brad still thought I was pretty neat. That was a confidence booster to me. The other thing I learned is that women are the gatekeepers to intimacy in a relationship. There was a therapist I met on the book tour who said that sex stops happening in a relationship when the man stops asking. That has stayed with me. Every time we had sex, whether I had been in the mood or not, I never regretted it. The year of “The Gift” was truly the most transforming year of our marriage. Who wouldn’t want to try it?

Charla’s Tips for Bringing Sexy Back

Make it a priority; be intentional.
Remember: there is no magic number. Maybe every night seems daunting, so just double up whatever you’re doing now. (If it’s 2x a week, try it 4x; you get the picture, Einstein.)
Let your inhibitions go. (Did you know the Victoria’s Secret models have the same amount of sex as you? Don’t you feel better?)
Basic grooming is important (that includes nose hair).
Sometimes you just gotta do it! (You can always DV-R “Grey’s Anatomy.”)

~ Sheri Joseph