A Man, A Woman and Someone In Between

I often hear from men that women are frustratingly complicated.  And it’s tough to argue with them.  The women I know have contradictory desires: a masculine protector who can also cry on her shoulder; a man who will put her in her place and yet not tell her what to do; a cultured, artistic man of passion who doesn’t sell out to the societal status quo and yet makes a lot of money; a man’s man who can fix things and get grubby, but who will happily watch “Sex in the City” reruns with her; a man who doesn’t go tanning, live in the gym, or dress in a manner that suggests he might be gay, yet who is tan, in good shape, and dresses according to the latest trends.

And then there’s sex.  According to an article in The New York Times Magazine earlier this year, women don’t know what they want in the sack either.  The article, “What Do Women Want?,” explores psychology professor Meredith Chivers’s study of female arousal.  While they watched a series of short porno clips, men and women had their “special places” hooked up to a machine to detect increased blood flow.  As they viewed these clips, which included boy-on-girl, girl-on-girl, boy-on-boy, and boy and girl solo performances, the test’s subjects were instructed to press a button when they felt turned on.  Their responses were then compared to their actual body responses as detected by the machine.

For men, their minds and penises were in agreement.  When they claimed to be turned on, they were, and vice versa.  On average, the straight men responded to clips of boy-on-girl, girl-on-girl, and the girl clicking her own mouse.

True to form, the ladies continued their usual pattern of bewilderment.  The women in the study claimed to be turned on mostly by boy on girl only.  But their nannies said otherwise.  Despite their claims of little to no provocation, nothing got the ladies’ blood flow moving like watching girl-on-girl and boy-on-boy.  While they said to be more turned on by the clip of the man pleasuring himself, their bodies found the woman doing so to be far more exciting.  It was as if the female subjects’ minds and vaginas were taking cues from two different women.

While I find the results of this study interesting, I have to wonder if the contradiction between what a woman claims turns her on and what actually does has less to do with her own confusion and more to do with embarrassment.  In my unscientific conclusion, I would argue that a woman is keenly tuned in to what gets her juices flowing; she just might not want to admit it.

I went through a phase in my early twenties when ladies were actively catching my eye more than they very passively do today.  While it turned out to be a fun time, it started out as alarming.  Caught in a black and white mindset that most of America would have us think in, I feared that if I could be turned on by a woman it was just a matter of time before I would no longer be turned on by a man.  Gratefully, I was having this experience when I was young and therefore living the immature motto, “Do what feels good now, deal with consequences later.”

By embracing my desires rather than dismissing them, I learned that freedom and lack of inhibition was the real turn on.  I think we can all agree that nothing will dry a woman up or take the wind out of a man’s sail quicker than fear of judgment.

Unfortunately for me, I grew out of that phase.  If I hadn’t, I’d be cleaning up to a degree that would put a professional athlete to shame.  Having always been an open book, I became the “safe” girl for my girlfriends and their girlfriends and random girls alike to explore their hidden curiosities.  Not only could they proceed without fear of judgment, they saw that I had been able to indulge and not lose my attraction for men.  Just like a new vibrator, there’s always the valid concern: What if it’s too good and a man can no longer do it for me?

For me and the hetero girls I took a trip to the other side with, we found that nothing can replace the love of a man—their strong hands, hard bodies, musky scent, and protective dominance.  Girls can be fun on a random tequila-fueled night or for a surprise cameo when your boyfriend has been a good boy, but who wants to deal with the fickle indecisiveness of a woman for the long term?

So ladies, I encourage you to try it all—safely of course.  Find out what you really like, not what you’re supposed to.  Knowing this will make sex with whomever you settle down with more enjoyable for you, and less complicated for them.  Sleep with each other, have a threesome, have a sixsome.  Do it in the morning, do it at night, do it upside down.  Ask to watch your gay boyfriends, or just jump in between them.  Do it with a freak or do it with a geek.  Straight might be your orientation, but it doesn’t have to be your edge.

~ Amanda Pagliarini

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